“Be kind to yourself. Remember that when you abuse yourself, you will experience the anger, apathy, and regret of the bully as well as the depression, anxiety, and insecurity of the victim. Whatever you do, be kind to yourself.” -Vironika Tugaleva
I made quite a few blunders recently. They are not life threatening nor will they cause the business to shut down. These were very minor mistakes that everyone keeps telling me are okay because I am still a newbie, technically. Their reassurance made me feel a whole lot better but I admit that before being told it was going to be okay, I truly felt bad.
I realized that around me are people who as kinder to me than I am to myself. When I make mistakes, even minor ones, I feel so terrible already, like I want to press a restart button so I could do it all over again. I do not like letting people down or causing them inconvenience and embarrassment to the point that I make everything I do a big deal and take things a little too seriously.
I have come to realize that while I am quick to forgive others for their mistakes, I find it difficult to apply the same ease to myself. With myself, I am a perfectionist and unforgiving. I feel awful when I do not meet my expectations and those from other people. It’s like a voice in my head tells me I am such a disappointment.
If I were younger, I could probably blame it on the bullying I had to go through for most of my growing up years. I had to watch every move I made or every word I spoke for the fear of offending my bullies yet again. Those were terrible years of feeling I was and never will be good enough. All my faults and flaws were made even more obvious to my face and it made me feel helpless.
But, there are no bullies now. Around me are really awesome people who have been nothing but helpful and kind to me from the start. And if they can be forgiving with me for my mistakes, I should learn how to be that way to myself too. I cannot keep myself from reaching my goals and my discovering the extent of my potentials because of self-doubt from setbacks and shortcomings that I can still do something about.
I turned to my watercolors while I was trying to distract myself from the lingering awful feelings from my recent blunder. Watercolor painting is not something I am superb at but it helps me become calm and patient. It teaches me that the more I try to pack on paint while the paper is still wet only causes the colors to diffuse and can ruin the paper because of abuse. It teaches me that water is ever flowing and sometimes, I cannot control where it goes or how much the color bleeds because of it. And, it also teaches me to let my mind wander; to let go of control and just let everything flow as they wish to.
Being kinder to myself is something I want to work on myself for this year. I want to be better at handling my faults, mistakes and blunders. Of course, I shall strive very hard to do a great job every time but I will not allow myself to be discouraged when I stumble along the way.