“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” –Tao Te Ching
It’s been a while since I last whipped out my tarot cards. Having slept all day and unable to sleep tonight, I decided to kill my boredom by doing a reading. I opted to pick one card from my deck with the intention for the card to tell me something I needed to understand.
I drew out The Hanged Man.
Looking at the card, the first thing I noticed was how chill the guy was despite hanging by a foot from a tree. His other leg was bent and his arms were behind his back. It’s like he’s on vacation! His situation was not worrying him it seems. Also, because he was hanging by a foot, I would have expected for gravity to have stronger pull on him. So why was he still so relaxed and at peace despite the predicament he is in?
From my intuition and research, The Hanged Man card can be said to signify letting go and surrendering to “what is.” Hanging upside down can mean looking at things differently as well.
Let it go. I have heard it a lot the past few days. I didn’t like myself these past few days to be honest.
I learned how to flip my downward dog already. I managed to make a split with my right leg forward. Yet, I still cannot manage Chaturanga Dandasana (Four-Limbed Staff Pose) no matter how I tried.
My belly keeps dropping first, my shoulders collapse, and everything else always goes wrong when I attempt it. So, I asked for the teacher’s guidance on how to do it. At home, I watched YouTube videos on how to do it. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, my elbows won’t bend when I try to move from high plank to low plank. Then, I collapse on my mat.
Rina, my work colleague who inspired me to try yoga again, is very encouraging. She keeps on telling me not to rush myself and to not be ashamed of going for modified poses when I cannot do the main ones yet. But, stubborn me and my pride won’t let it go. So, despite my sore muscles, I kept trying and trying to do it at home.
Long story short, I now have very sore shoulders that hurt every time I raise my arms. I pushed myself too hard beyond my limit. All because I couldn’t accept that I am not yet strong enough to pull of the move.
In my relationships
I do not understand why I still keep on reaching out to people I want to avoid. They make me feel like crap, but I still approach them anyway, trying to see any sliver of hope that I can make the relationship work.
There’s someone I haven’t seen in a long time but I refuse to go out and see this person. Why? I am mightily scared of this person because of a long history of unhappy experiences. Yet, I am pissed at myself because I still care even if it’s just a little bit.
So, I sent this person gifts for Christmas through a courier. I did not hear anything although this person received the package. Don’t get me wrong. I was not expecting to hear this person’s gratitude or to receive gifts in return. Any reaction was highly acceptable. I just needed assurance that this person is still alive and kicking.
I told my friend, Alex, about it. I told him I felt like crap because I made a conscious decision to stay away from that person at all costs, yet I reach out and hope for a reaction. I am so messed up.
Alex told me to let it go. He’s right. But all I could think of doing was replying with a GIF of Channing Tatum in Elsa’s costume, singing “Let It Go.”
In my faith
I was talking to my work colleague, Hanna, about my recent attempts to attend the church services of this born-again Christian group. I opened up to her about my Catholic upbringing and my lack of the habit to go to church every Sunday to hear mass. I shared with her my reasons for looking into attending church service outside my Catholic religion.
While we were on the topic, I also admitted to her how everything still feels different for me. One of the things that feel so foreign to me is seeing people sing with their arms raised up and their eyes closed. I told her how much I wondered how profound those people’s experiences are of God that they could do that without fear of judgment. I bet that if I were to do that, I will feel mightily embarrassed. Don’t get me wrong. I am faithful; just not showy.
Hanna replied that she was told by someone that being able to do that means you have been freed of the shackles around your wrists (metaphorically). I guess that by being free from those chains, one becomes less inhibited to display their faith that way.
Back to the card
If were the one hanging by a foot, I bet I would have been in a panic while trying to grab on to the branch to free myself. I doubt I’ll be able to do that given my weak core muscles though. But, you get the point. I could never be as chill as that guy in the card.
I have a bad habit of holding close everything that is dear to me. Letting go has not been my biggest skill even if I preach it to other people. So, it’s good to be reminded of what I need to practice on.